TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from put. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let us have A different spot where American Adult males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you Anyone a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved Trump Tower Damascus a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a element staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting focus from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down services."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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